I think my fart just growled at me.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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