Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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