Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Pants are for mortals
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
