the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
