Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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