I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
