saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The beers last night were like the tears from god
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
