two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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