My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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