I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
