Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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