Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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