Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
