WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
