i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
