So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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