you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
