I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
