There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
