every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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