I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
