I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
