I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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