Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
we're chasing vodka with high fives
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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