we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize