Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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