when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
This house was built for laser tag.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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