i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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