When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
