Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
