no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
