I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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