It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
