I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
