This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
