well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
