Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
