Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
