Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
