Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
