I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
