Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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