she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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