Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I need to sanitize my soul.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
