yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
