omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize