is your mom at the bar?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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