look no pants
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
