My hand turned me down
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
