I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
