that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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