I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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