did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
