I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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