I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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