i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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