I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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